im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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