Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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