i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
