he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
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Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
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Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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