make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
