but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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