Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
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