2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
