Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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