Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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