Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I did not marry a roomba.
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