i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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