What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
