Where is the hickey?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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