what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
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is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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