I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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