he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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