Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
