HIV tests are more positive than that guy
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
