they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
