I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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