fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Betty ford says i'm here all night
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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