Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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