Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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