it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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