TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
