I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
