Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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