I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
