haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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