what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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