please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
