i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
