Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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