Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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