Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize
