Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
