Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
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