is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!