I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
