i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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