he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
