Four minutes until I can fart!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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