in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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