I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
