dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
