Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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