I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
