i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
