The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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