i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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