Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
