More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
