I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
