Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
