i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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