I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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