he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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